Sword of Peace

“Open conversation with God.”  That is how someone once described prayer to me.  That is never how I thought of prayer before, and always how I thought of it after.  I previously thought prayer was requests you made of God on behalf of someone else.  I was convinced you didn’t pray for yourself; that was selfish and God doesn’t like selfishness.  Now, I guess I think of prayer in a few different categories; you can pray for yourself, pray for others, talk to God, thank him for things, or (and this is my favorite) ask God questions.  I used to think “why” questions were absolutely off-limits when in conversation with God; how could you challenge your creator?  I later found “why” questions the most liberating thing.  One, “why” questions let Him know you’re thinking about things and you aren’t an ameba, two, that tiny word admits that you do not have all the answers, and that you’re talking to someone who does.

I would like to say that all of my prayers are sophisticated, well thought-out, eloquent, self-less and worded for exactly what everyone needs.  I would like to say everyone got everything I’ve prayed for.  I know that’s probably not true, but most of the time my heart was in the right place.  However, like the rest of the world I am definitely a hypocrite even when I wish I wasn’t and even when I try to pray or write and sound like I know what I’m talking about.   When we pray and ask for things, whether it is for other people or ourselves, don’t we often have selfish requests?  “I want, I want, I want.”  I wish my prayers would get more and more humble.  Not in the sense that I am asking necessarily a smaller ratio for myself than for others, but in the sense that I become more real and honest and obtain a truly conscious humility so that I can appreciate and respect God’s relationship with me in spite of all my shortcomings.

I guess while in the beginning I struggled with what topics were off-limits while praying, which topics were “acceptable” (there are none that aren’t, I think, because He knows all your thoughts anyway…) now I struggle with what I ask of God.  I ask “little” things of Him all day long.  “God, please let me get here or there on time, please don’t let my gas run out, please let me get the answering machine so I don’t have to talk to him…” (All spoken with the utmost sincerity and humility, as I know daily all the things that are out of my control and not at all realistically possible, neither are they life and death situations that God answers regardless immediately and without fail.)  However, when it comes to those really big and more serious life issues, He often seems reserved and does not answer.  Is it because we should not ask of Him?  We have all these verses that say otherwise;

“ Whatever you ask in My name, that I will do…” John 14:13

“Everyone who asks receives…” Luke 11:10

“Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask HIm.” Matthew 6:8

I mean, I’m not asking for a new car or to be rich, I’m not even asking to get the answering machine…I just want answers, I want assurance, in a really silly way, I want to know if I’m going to get everything on my wish list: wisdom, peace, the revealing and guidance of His career/life plan for me, someone who loves and inspires me…

Father, be mindful of the humble state of your servant; just look at the ridiculous things I ask for!

In the end, I of course as usual have no answers.  I still ask for ridiculous things, I still ask for help with serious things, I pray in sadness, anger, disparity and abandon.  I cannot begin to account for the things He gives me right away, the things He makes me wait for, and the things that He does not seem to respond to at all (often the biggest things in my life).  The only two things that I am sure of, is that He hears me and He will have answers for me when it is time, and whether He answers my prayers immediately or not, things are always better when we are in frequent “open conversation”.

At twenty-one years old and a senior in college there are at least two questions that seem to be stamped on my forehead beckoning people to ask of me. Anyone my age or older can probably guess. The first: “What are your plans for next year?” (But really they mean: “Did you get a job after paying all that money for your education?”) The second and much more dreaded: “Do you have a boyfriend?” Then my heart sinks and I quickly utter “Noooo, no, no…” I suddenly feel this overwhelming sense that I have disappointed the questioner or like I must apologize for or explain why I am single. I wait for the response which varies between looks of “Aw, don’t worry you’re so young!” to “Hmm, she must have some really annoying hidden quality”, or the ever EVER-dreaded “Who can I set you up with…think, think…” Of course there is a reason why I am single and all sorts of relationship stories leading up to my current “status”. One time, a (really nice) guy said to me, “Well, I thought you must be single by choice because you’re too pretty and talented to be single because no one would date you…” I appreciate that he took that much time to consider my situation. Still there appears to be some very large social expectation that a) everyone should be looking for a lover/mate and b) everyone is looking for him/her (by default if not actively signing up on match.com.)

My friend Shane Claiborne (whom I shall call a friend because I stood two feet away from him at church once a few weeks ago) writes about singleness in his book “The Irresistible Revolution[1]”. After my most recent failed relationship a thought crossed my mind that I rediscovered reading Shane’s book. He writes: “…many of the people I had grown to admire had lived beautiful lives of singleness. And their lives would have been different had they been married (not bad, just different).” I had also noted that a large majority of the people I respected and admired were living their lives for Christ in chosen singleness. I like the way that is phrased; “chosen singleness”, not singleness by default…ha. Not to say that all great servants of God are single; that’s so not true that I don’t feel like I need to give examples. But I will say that there is certainly something to the fact that many pastors and rabbis have husbands or wives and serve the church together like “parents” to the church body. I think this is especially cool and important at the church I go to (Circle of Hope[2]) because many of us are big kids stuck somewhere between our parents, college, the “real world” and starting our own family. So it’s real cool to feel like you have a mommy and daddy at church.

Shane also references a conversation with Rich Mullins in his book, where they discuss Matthew 19:10-12 and Jesus tells the disciples that some “have renounced marriage for the sake of the kingdom of heaven, and ‘the one who can accept this, should accept it.’”

Maybe this sounds like the rant of a single surrounded by paired-off friends. I thought it was particularly relevant since Valentine’s Day is this week. Excepting one, all my friends are in relationships right now. They all have their problems, but I respect each relationship deeply and on the whole I think they are all happy. What’s more, their happiness is increased by their relationships. In fact, I have made more friends because of their significant others’. Most of us pursue romance and are naturally attracted to other humans. It’s even in The Game of Life as something that we do; meet someone, fall in love, and get married. Still others are called “bachelors for life” or “old maids”. These terms are usually not so positive and it’s definitely not my desire to receive such a slandering title. But what about the people Shane talks about; Mother Theresa, Francis and Claire of Assisi, Jesus…Shane also mentions a friend of his who is a monk and he offered him this: “We can live without sex, but we cannot live without love, and God is love.”

I am definitely not suggesting that everyone should be single—certainly not! The bible says “Go forth and multiply” (or something like that…) God made is in his image, he made us able and wanting to love each other so that we could have some iddy biddy ioda of an idea what he feels for his creation, for us. And c’mon, if we all stopped falling in love and having babies, well God’s creation would eventually end and that’s not good. I can imagine getting to heaven and Jesus being like “Hey Monica, why’d you go and tell everyone to be single, now there’s no one left on my dad’s earth?” No good. (Of course not everyone would take my word for it anyway. Thank goodness.)

So I guess I keep coming back to four main questions: 1) “Can society accept that I am just as happy and fulfilled in my singleness?”, 2) “Can I actively decide to pursue being single without arousing suspicion that I am bitter, broken-hearted, and cynical?”, 3) “Can my singleness be a commitment to the ultimate lover and reflect the lives’ of the people I respect so much?”, and 4) “If I make this resolution and things get screwed up because I meet someone that God wants me to be with, can I still be as good a servant?”

I think many would view such a proposal as something to be discarded as soon as the next person to sweep me off my feet comes along, and maybe that will be true. But, maybe it will be about something bigger than that and I will be better able to offer my life to Jesus as a single, and, regardless of marital status, just however God made me to be.

[1] “The Irresistible Revolution” www.zondervan.com

[2] www.circleofhope.net